Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Torn apart

This month Dec 2016 life been immeasurably hard. I am to the point of giving up everything. A lot of questions are rising in my mind and afraid to entertain any of them. One wrong move could cause big damages to people around me. BUT the million dollar question is what is the Lord trying to say to me? that is why I am torn apart.

The scriptures that keep popping up in my mind is Matthew 16:24-28

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. 25For whoever wants to save their lifef will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. 26What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul? 27For the Son of Man is going to come in his Father’s glory with his angels, and then he will reward each person according to what they have done.

This actually answers all my question that is raising in my mind. My temptation to run to my past lifestyle has increased, unfulfilled desire to accomplish my own desires (materialistic), entertaining my own fleshly desires, financial meltdown, unsettled emotions in family and people around me. Nothing seem to be working out the way I expected or wanted.

It is really hard to discern what I need to do but today I realize that I am actually not wired to do my own things but the things of God. I failed in a lot of things in my life and seems like nothing that I desire to do comes through.

I am tempted to fall back to my past is just to teach me I am still in flesh but I have to make a choice to deny myself, carry the cross of my sin and follow the One who died for me and resurrected. I need to crucify my old and allow the life of Christ operate through me.

From the beginning the Lord has allowed me to do my own things and see where I would end up and I think I have come the end of the rope. I have only one choice " let it go". It is very hard position because of all the things I been doing all these while and now to let go is sounds absurd. Along came the above scripture that the Lord spoke to me 10 years back into my heart. "For whoever wants to save their lifef will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find itThe verse is self explanatory. It is time for me to die/lose to all I am and do His will and then giving me a promise in "27For the Son of Man is going to come in his Father’s glory with his angels, and then he will reward each person according to what they have done.This verse giving the promise that Lord Jesus Christ will reward according to my works. If I am still going to be doing my own things, I will end up much bad situation than I am already in. Eternal blessings or worldly blessing?

God actually forcefully leading me to let go all I am doing and start focusing on what He wants me to do. I can't, I literally can't. I have put all my faith on the things I see not unseen. My heartaches to let go. If I know I will be in much bad situation. GOD has called me and I have to answer. He wants to train me how to have faith on Him regardless the situation I am in. What I am talking here is a season of letting go my business and everything of this world to focus on HIM. Scary!! I wonder how I am going to do it? I have wife and a baby on the way to support. Imagine! I am freaking out.


Sathiya Seelan

Monday, December 5, 2016

Community Lifestyle

      In 2011, I begin to attend cell group(Walnut Cell) by Abbalove LA. First time in my life I am attending a small intimate group. I felt like a foreigner at first then started to blend in. This cell group consist of young people who are passionate and want to do more for Christ. The very first day I was prayed over and I was blessed. 

     Few months flew by. One day on my way back from bible class to attend Walnut Cell. Holy Spirit prompted in my heart to share my deepest and secret struggle I was battling within me for many years now, which is homosexuality. I was like what??!! NO WAY GOD! I will not do that. I started to reason in my mind and decided not to do it but the tugging was there. No one knows I have that desire. I even thought I should not attend the cell group that night but end up going because I am always blessed when I am there.

     I entered and sat quietly, the cell group begin and we worshiped the Lord through songs. Right after that our facilitator Pas Christian asked  "is there anyone who want to share something today? because I am sensing GOD has prepared someone to share". You can imagine I would have felt by then. My heart was pumping at high speed, sweating my way and I know I have to speak up because this is the Lord's doing. No one spoke for good two to three minutes. I said I have something to share and kept quiet for next five minutes because of my assumption what they will think about me (rejection, humiliation and condemnation) . 

    There were probably 12 people in cell that day. Pas Christian encouraged me do not worry just share then the rest started to encourage me too and I said it " I struggle with same sex attraction" the entire cell was quiet. I told my story cannot remember exactly what I told but I know I told a lot of things. After I am done sharing. One of the guy came and hugged me and said I love you man and thank you for sharing and said I will surely keep you in my prayer. Almost all came and did that to me on that day. I was blown away with their reaction when I thought I will judged and condemned I received love and encouragement instead. Life changing experience. From that day I was not afraid to share my testimony and God has started His healing process. After that a lot others started to share their struggle and we started to pray for one another. GOD's presences was thick and tangible.

   On that very day I found the Love of GOD in action through all that was in the cell. I even received random messages during the weeks saying I am praying for your man. Keep fighting the good fight and I love you man. Amazing! This incident engraved in my heart the power of body of Christ when there is the Spirit of God, Love,Grace and Truth practiced regardless who the person are there will be liberation. Almost 5 years now I still clearly remember that day. Now I am in Malaysia, married and have a baby on the way.With the Lord  I am building this community lifestyle among the body of Christ and want everyone to experience what I have experienced which brought freedom to me. 

   I pray for everyone who read this post will be encouraged, GOD is looking for authenticity in the Body of Christ, He already know the mess we are in so hiding and keeping it to ourselves will not help us to get  better. We need accountability and prayers to overcome the struggle we are in. Get plugged in a cell and be real, you will be amazed what the Lord can do through His people.

Thank you.

Sathiya Seelan