Friday, December 8, 2017

Wilderness and Crossroad

Past two months have been tough. I have to make some changes to settle something that is still lingering around me. It is my ignorance that now I am facing my consequences. The questions that I am asking? What I should do?

The Lord seems to be quiet and allowing me to make the decision. More like a test? To who I will be true too? Which master I will serve? I am overwhelmed by this situation and feel like running away to an unknown place.

Thank God for some good people that I can process with some of the situation I am facing. I wish these season will end soon. It is too dry and long.

Today while I was reading John 7, one of the verse pop up to my attention that actually reminds me of human nature after the fall.

17 If anyone wants to do his will, he will know about my* teaching, whether it is from God or I am speaking from myself. 18 The one who speaks from himself seeks his own glory. But the one who seeks the glory of the one who sent him—this one is true, and there is no unrighteousness in him

 Harris, W. H., III, Ritzema, E., Brannan, R., Mangum, D., Dunham, J., Reimer, J. A., & Wierenga, M. (Eds.). (2012). The Lexham English Bible (Jn 7:17–18). Bellingham, WA: Lexham Press.

This calls to check the condition of my heart, I been complacent about my relationship with Christ and focused too much on the crossroad I am in.

Guilty of charge!! I seek my own glory, I want to prove myself, I want to be noticed and I want to do it my way.

I wonder why? The Pharisees were in the same shoe and Jesus rebuked them. Now me! How will I come out of this situation?

The dependence from I to "I AM" has to happen.

This crisis seems to be happening to me every year, I cannot break free to be totally dependent on "I AM"

Something is missing in the puzzle that enables me to connect to the truth that will set me free.


I need your assistance, I am not able to foresee the things that will take place in future if I continue in such manner. Open my eyes to see! Reveal my condition and I will change to bring glory to you! Sorry, Lord, I am trying to bring glory to my own. It is not my doing it is yours that I am who I am today. I recognize it.


Saturday, September 30, 2017


I think all of us really wish to have a marriage that is perfect, amazing and issueless. Today, I am facing the reality that is questioning how true it is? It is pure lies that have crippled my worldview.

The reality is both the couple has to choose daily to make it work. I realize that love has to be the foundation and forgiveness the pillars that hold it together. And the counterpart is the ego, anger, and words that destroy it.

I have been Christian for many years now and I thought it will be easier for me to forgive and love because of my abilities to do that to other but it is totally opposite when comes to marriage. The romance movies have portrayed it all and most of the time it seems effortless and today I confess it is the hardest and most uncomfortable choice I have to make.

Man supremacy, ego, and control are still lingering in this sinful flesh. It is hard to shake it off even when I know, I need to shake it off. Whereabout truth seems to be the unlogical path to take, hence momentum separation is the best solution.

The biggest killer is silence game when the man ignores the fact his wife exists and she does the same. It hurts but our ego chooses to overwrite. I wonder if she feels the same? Oh woman! and Oh man!

Such a wretched man I am, where would I be if this prolongs? I realize today the reason why many couples end up separating because they choose the easy way out which not willing to face the reality of marriage when we need to put in overtime and get dirty to make it work.

Could it be? Environment one grew up? Movies? Perfect imaginary of marriage? Comparison?

If all these are the reasons, am I/we ready to work it out? Am I ready to face the reality I/we need to change?

It is only because I love her, I want to do this? There are no other reasons.

Sathiya Seelan

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Torn apart

This month Dec 2016 life been immeasurably hard. I am to the point of giving up everything. A lot of questions are rising in my mind and afraid to entertain any of them. One wrong move could cause big damages to people around me. BUT the million dollar question is what is the Lord trying to say to me? that is why I am torn apart.

The scriptures that keep popping up in my mind is Matthew 16:24-28

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. 25For whoever wants to save their lifef will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. 26What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul? 27For the Son of Man is going to come in his Father’s glory with his angels, and then he will reward each person according to what they have done.

This actually answers all my question that is raising in my mind. My temptation to run to my past lifestyle has increased, unfulfilled desire to accomplish my own desires (materialistic), entertaining my own fleshly desires, financial meltdown, unsettled emotions in family and people around me. Nothing seem to be working out the way I expected or wanted.

It is really hard to discern what I need to do but today I realize that I am actually not wired to do my own things but the things of God. I failed in a lot of things in my life and seems like nothing that I desire to do comes through.

I am tempted to fall back to my past is just to teach me I am still in flesh but I have to make a choice to deny myself, carry the cross of my sin and follow the One who died for me and resurrected. I need to crucify my old and allow the life of Christ operate through me.

From the beginning the Lord has allowed me to do my own things and see where I would end up and I think I have come the end of the rope. I have only one choice " let it go". It is very hard position because of all the things I been doing all these while and now to let go is sounds absurd. Along came the above scripture that the Lord spoke to me 10 years back into my heart. "For whoever wants to save their lifef will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find itThe verse is self explanatory. It is time for me to die/lose to all I am and do His will and then giving me a promise in "27For the Son of Man is going to come in his Father’s glory with his angels, and then he will reward each person according to what they have done.This verse giving the promise that Lord Jesus Christ will reward according to my works. If I am still going to be doing my own things, I will end up much bad situation than I am already in. Eternal blessings or worldly blessing?

God actually forcefully leading me to let go all I am doing and start focusing on what He wants me to do. I can't, I literally can't. I have put all my faith on the things I see not unseen. My heartaches to let go. If I know I will be in much bad situation. GOD has called me and I have to answer. He wants to train me how to have faith on Him regardless the situation I am in. What I am talking here is a season of letting go my business and everything of this world to focus on HIM. Scary!! I wonder how I am going to do it? I have wife and a baby on the way to support. Imagine! I am freaking out.


Sathiya Seelan

Monday, December 5, 2016

Community Lifestyle

      In 2011, I begin to attend cell group(Walnut Cell) by Abbalove LA. First time in my life I am attending a small intimate group. I felt like a foreigner at first then started to blend in. This cell group consist of young people who are passionate and want to do more for Christ. The very first day I was prayed over and I was blessed. 

     Few months flew by. One day on my way back from bible class to attend Walnut Cell. Holy Spirit prompted in my heart to share my deepest and secret struggle I was battling within me for many years now, which is homosexuality. I was like what??!! NO WAY GOD! I will not do that. I started to reason in my mind and decided not to do it but the tugging was there. No one knows I have that desire. I even thought I should not attend the cell group that night but end up going because I am always blessed when I am there.

     I entered and sat quietly, the cell group begin and we worshiped the Lord through songs. Right after that our facilitator Pas Christian asked  "is there anyone who want to share something today? because I am sensing GOD has prepared someone to share". You can imagine I would have felt by then. My heart was pumping at high speed, sweating my way and I know I have to speak up because this is the Lord's doing. No one spoke for good two to three minutes. I said I have something to share and kept quiet for next five minutes because of my assumption what they will think about me (rejection, humiliation and condemnation) . 

    There were probably 12 people in cell that day. Pas Christian encouraged me do not worry just share then the rest started to encourage me too and I said it " I struggle with same sex attraction" the entire cell was quiet. I told my story cannot remember exactly what I told but I know I told a lot of things. After I am done sharing. One of the guy came and hugged me and said I love you man and thank you for sharing and said I will surely keep you in my prayer. Almost all came and did that to me on that day. I was blown away with their reaction when I thought I will judged and condemned I received love and encouragement instead. Life changing experience. From that day I was not afraid to share my testimony and God has started His healing process. After that a lot others started to share their struggle and we started to pray for one another. GOD's presences was thick and tangible.

   On that very day I found the Love of GOD in action through all that was in the cell. I even received random messages during the weeks saying I am praying for your man. Keep fighting the good fight and I love you man. Amazing! This incident engraved in my heart the power of body of Christ when there is the Spirit of God, Love,Grace and Truth practiced regardless who the person are there will be liberation. Almost 5 years now I still clearly remember that day. Now I am in Malaysia, married and have a baby on the way.With the Lord  I am building this community lifestyle among the body of Christ and want everyone to experience what I have experienced which brought freedom to me. 

   I pray for everyone who read this post will be encouraged, GOD is looking for authenticity in the Body of Christ, He already know the mess we are in so hiding and keeping it to ourselves will not help us to get  better. We need accountability and prayers to overcome the struggle we are in. Get plugged in a cell and be real, you will be amazed what the Lord can do through His people.

Thank you.

Sathiya Seelan 

Monday, November 7, 2016



Time flew by from my last post. Now I am married to this wonderful girl Ruth Hien Tran. It all happened quickly but with a lot of blessing from the mighty One.

Once was fallen being now restored to the originality of nature of creation. It is by the grace and power of living God I am who I am today.

It was a long journey but worthwhile one. I continually trusted in the Lord and His transforming power. Today I also realize I am still a work in process for the glory of God.

Today I want to count my blessings:

July 2016 was big month for me.

1. I was getting married in Vietnam
2. I did not have enough money
3. Parents was not allow to travel because of unsettle debt but appealed to government was waiting till the last minute to get the approval.
4. I had another reception in Malaysia

Biggest test for me was financially :)


The week before my big day, I was praying asking God, Lord pls provide for all my need. In the midst of this I heard a small still voice "If your wedding did not happen the way you wanted will you still love ME?" I know this was from the Lord. I was in shock. But I replied with tears "Yes Lord I will still love YOU". Then came the word from the Lord " That He will provide for all my need according to His riches and glory" and the burden was lifted up and I was at peace. The week flew by and I have not receive the blessing. And my parents got the approval to leave the country one day before the wedding in Long Hai. Praise God.

We spoke to the hotel management we will pay after wedding and they agreed. Our concept beach wedding and outdoor party. Guess what on that day the whole day was raining until the hotel management asked me to change the plan but we resisted the idea and continue with prayer. Everyone was praying and praying and praying. Sharp 3pm the rain stopped and it was couching hot. Praise God but it was too hot. We proceeded with wedding at 5.30pm. Suddenly a massive cloud covered the sun and the weather was perfect with the sea breeze and cold wind. I was amazed with God's faithfulness.

The wedding was perfect and the dinner went well too. Alleluia! God is good.

We received blessing from those who came for the wedding. We had about 100 guests about 70 ppl from Vietnam and the rest was my friends and family. But you know what God provided that night we calculated our blessings we had more than enough to pay all our expenses. I was in awe. God was not late He provided on time. I can keep going on and on how faithful God was throughout our entire wedding and reception. We all we very blessed to see God's faithfulness.

I realize I serve the mighty, faithful and awesome God! No question asked for it was a test for me and see where is my heart.

Finally I would like to thank God, my wife, my family, friends and relative who was the witness of God goodness in my life. I will never forget His wondrous work in my wedding.


Sathiya Seelan

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Encounter with the Creator

The reality of the mighty Creator is there is now seems just a fact. I took a drastic decision to go on a fast for 21 days (1/12-21/12/15). Begin with seven days of fruits and vegetables only, the next seven days one meal a day and the last seven day liquid fast.

The first part of the fast was pretty easy but the temptation for solid food started to hit by fifth day. With the grace of God I manage to overcome. But it seems like more like diet because my praying time and bible reading did not increase or I did not even pray or read the bible some of the days. The conviction was there but did not do anything about it.

Things got worst, I felt like I am in boiling pot everything around me like failing apart. I started to have arguments, grudges and skeptical about people around me and my love towards them decreased especially towards my family and church members. Past start to creep in and disqualifying and doubting in my calling that the Lord has for me.

The idea of giving up and giving in to lies mounted. Everything seems impossible. But the Holy Spirit whispered press on, press on and press on. I did! By the mid of second week of fast, I was impressed to list down all the people names I had relationship with, to renounce and ask the Lord to come and cut the soul ties that has been created with each one of them. And to my amazement the Lord came and delivered me. I had a personal ministry time with God and power in the name of Jesus and I know during that time something left from me. It was powerful and I praise God for His mercy upon me.

By the fifth day of second week I was led to make a massive decision to go on liquid fast for the remaining seven days with condition I had to be a prisoner of the Lord for the rest of the week. I should not talk to the anyone and have to lock myself in a room. So I started look for options called up some prayer towers, campsites and ect. nothing seems working. But then the Holy Spirit reminded me of a place I can and I end up there. I thought this is the crazy, the idea of going on 7 days of liquid past is impossible but I knew deep in me I had too because I am so sick of this faithless life on faithful God.

Seventh day of second week night, I took off and informed my mom and few of my close friends where I am going. Settled in the room and prepared to start this journey with the Lord with the expectation that I will meet the Lord and that will change my life. I had my journal, few pens, bible and my I pod (for worship purpose).

P.S. I have done just liquid fast for 2.5 days before.

Third week (15/12-21/12/15)

I wrote down what I want to see happen by end of this seven days:

a. I want the fact my God is power and unlimited in wisdom, power... to take deep root in me.
b. I want to walk with the Joy of the Lord all the time.
c. I want to able differentiate the voice of God and flesh in me.
d. Obey God's voice at any cost.
e. Overcome my personal struggle.
f. Refreshed and refilled with overflowing cup (Love, grace, mercy, forgiveness, and power of God)

Day 1

All I did was worshiping and reading the bible through out the day. The thought to read finish the new testament within the seven days arise and I started that quest. I worshiped and read the bible and worship and read.... that is all I did. Nothing significant happened. The Lord spoke through His word how that Lord was not limited in any way to do what He has to do through out the gospel. I started to build the truth deep in me and pondering over it again and again.

Day 2

Did the same things. This time the Lord revealed to me how Lord Jesus is full with wisdom and He uses the scriptures to counter oppositions. Not only that why He always rebukes the religious leaders. It is they see the things that the Lord does in religious and traditional eyes than in spiritual eyes. I meditate on that again and again.

Day 3, 4, 5 & 6

I spent at least 12 hours by now in worshiping and reading the bible (few sessions). I did not do any request to God. But the Lord been convicting me how self righteous I has been and been doing ministry without having a relationship with Him. I felt sad and repented. By end of this day. The Lord revealed to be the power of His word because I was not hungry at all. He reminded me the verse our Lord will say " Man shall not live by bread alone but with every words that proceeds from the mouth of God". The time I been spending in the word of God has been feeding supernaturally and satisfying my physical hunger as well. This blew my mind away and I was in awe about the word of God.

I manage to continue without much hiccups but I could not sleep until 4 am at least and I have forced myself to sleep. This was something unique I thought, I started have a sweet aroma only left hand which I did not where it is coming, which I thought it was weird and I ignored it. I continued this journey. I had few early more deliverance experience.  Few things I learnt from those days are:

a. Lord Jesus did not waved from His calling.
b. Always on track
c. His confidence was in the Father
d. He was bold,  full of faith and authority.
e. Did only what the Father asked Him to do.
f. About the 1st century church
g. About what it means to be a leader, elder, men, husband, citizen...a lot more.
h. How amazingly God has been faithful through out my life.

The biggest experience of all was what faith really means

F- Fill my heart with promised of God
A- Act and confess it is done
I- Immovable (Do not give up)
T- Trust and persevere when it is impossible
H-Hope the hour will come to the fulfillment

By end of fifth day I have already finish the new testament, I was amazed.

By end of  sixth day I thought I am all fired up and I prayed should I eat something and He gave me a sign and I had small portion of porridge.

Day 7

God taught me what it means to loose in heavenlies and on earth according Matthew 16:19. After how to operate in the Spirit of Faith (Will blog about it soon). After that I wrote some declaration for my family, church and city. Not forgetting how to appropriate the inheritance GOD has given the church in the heavenlies by confessing the into existence the future. Upon finishing I still had the issue of not able to sleep until 3am. I asked Lord to reveal but did not get any answer.

Day 8 (22/12/15)

It was new day. I am excited to go back home and see my family members I had big smile on my faces and they all welcomed me after my fast and prayer. I had so much compassion for all of them and able to love them. It did not end there at night I could not sleep again so I was on my bed talking to the Father and  around 1.15am suddenly the sweet aroma came back and this time it was stronger and I was like wait wait this is happening again. It was so sweet and I started to enjoy it. There was a thought came to me to google about it and I found the verse 2 Corinthians 2: 14 "But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumph in Christ, and manifests through us the sweet aroma of the knowledge of Him in every place." I remember this verse. He made me to remember this verse one week ago. Then I saw this article " Supernatural-encounters-smelling-the-fragrance-of-god " and I opened it when I read it I was on tears and in awe. The Lord is has anointed me through this fast and I went on my knees crying and felted so privileged to be visited and anointed. I was worship and praising Him and suddenly my body started to tremble, shake greatly and felt like a fire coming in. I started to call upon the name of the Lord. Started with Yahweh, Yeshua and Holy Spirit and it suddenly the word Yahweh I was not able to say it but I was breathing in and out the air with the sound of "YHWH". It was unbelievable experience and it continues until 4.30am and I did not sleep the whole day but did not feel the tiredness at all.

That morning my bible reading was about the new wine skin and new wine from book of Matthew. The Holy Spirit affirmed the fasting had removed my old wine skin and anointing and has been replaced with new wine skin with new anointing that morning. Now I am ready to move forward in the work of the Lord. The sweet aroma is around me until this moment and reminding me the time I had with the Lord and reminding me the experiences I had throughout the week with the Lord.

I am sharing all these for the glory of God to encourage all of you that our God is living and He want to reveal Himself to us in many ways. But are we ready to make the sacrifice to seek Him wholeheartedly. My decision to disconnect from the world and connect to the Lord has brought me to this place today and I know this is the second greatest decision I made in my life (first is to accept Lord Jesus as Saviour and Lord over my life). Today I would like to challenge all of you are reading this blog to push yourself to do something you have not done before to connect to our Lord.

All praise
All glory
All honour
All power
All strength
All blessings

To the only One who is living and sovereign over the heaven and earth and who is revealed through our Lord Jesus by the fellowship of the Holy Spirit in my life.


Sathiya Seelan

Friday, March 6, 2015

Death to Life

      Truth shall prevail! Truth shall set us free! Glory to the living Yahweh, Lord Jesus and Holy Spirit.

       When I was 15 year old a new desire in me birth, I remember so clearly the first dream I had and it was one of my male teacher who I like. I kissed him in that dream. I woke up puzzled and lost. I did not understand why I had but I had many of those type dreams almost everyday from that day onward. Most of the time I ignored it but at times enjoyed the idea of being loved (sexual intimacy) by (with) a man. Without realizing I am against the order of creation. Time goes by 16 year old my curiosity increased and with the luxury of internet I begin to explore this desire and found tons of x-rated videos and dwell in it every night in the name of studying. Where once it was only a desire or imagination or picture in the mind now it becoming reality little by little. From curiosity to reality, this battle was so real every day and night I fought against this desire without knowing actually I am drowning to the bed of sea. During my college time, I had my first experience with a stranger (man),  I was nervous but enjoyed it. Dream finally became reality. I had few experience here and there but the fear my parents would know made me to slow my steps. Every time after an experience I will break down and regret it but I did not stop doing it. Weird! And did not understand why?Years past by without answers.

          In this midst of searching for truth and freedom. When I was 18 year old, Lord Jesus found me, and I accepted Him as my Lord And Savior. Life took new direction but this desire in me did not go away. I did not continue pursuing it as I use to but I continue having dreams having sex with man who I don't know who they are. I resisted and repented but the desire was still there. Tried all sort of things to overwrite my desire even to the extent dating a girl and wanted to marry her but that did not happen because of the new opportunity I am about to embark.

        When I was 20 year old I was given a chance to continue my BSc (degree) in California made things even worst when I thought it would help me to begin a new life. My attraction towards man took a new height, parents not at my back gave me the freedom to finally explore this desire. Broke up with my girlfriend and now decided to follow my heart so my search for LOVE. I came up with few rules I want to follow by so I can be safe in the messed up world:


Tried so hard to keep all the rules. 

          Dating life was fun, I was meeting at least one new man every week and to the extreme of 5-6 men a month. I remember this so clearly every man I meet I will ask them this question "what do you think God thinks about people like us?" I got so many answers, some said God made us this way, it is God's way to control the population (birth control), some said he doesn't believe in God and many other answers. Soon enough I came to conclusion God made me this way and He made a mistake when He created me. That basically justified my action and I thought this is truth and what I am doing is right. Through this journey dating websites were my best friend and I spend hours of sleepless night looking for date for that week and someone to chat with and have virtual sex. And I remember I was depressed one time because I could not find anyone to go out with for that weekend. My lifestyle became unhealthy and I found pornography as my second option. Because of my rules I did not find any date that last more than few dates. So I started to bend the rules, I said it is ok to have sex on first date and probably after that I might find my love. Boom! Begun my journey to the path of destruction. I started to be promiscuous. Two years past by and I have been with fifty guys at least. At times I would date two guys at one go. I was desperate man. And that is what I told to myself. In all this I was attending church every week and as I recall every Saturday night I would be with man and Sunday morning I would be in tears crying out to God for forgiveness but could not find my way out of this mess. This continues for at least another year. You can imagine the among of guys I have been with by now and how disgusted I felt. My rules no longer applied.

      In Oct 2010 I met a guy(Jim) and he was handsome and my type and so badly I wanted to jump to bed with him and he denied my request and he was the first to do so. We went on our separate path but we were in touch. Next day I received a text message from him saying he is tested HIV+ but no longer detectable. But my desperation have made me to agree to be his boyfriend. After two month things went down hill and I started to date another man(Jack) while being with Jim by then you can see my rules no longer existed. To pursued Jack, I broke up with Jim. With expectation Jack will take me to be his boyfriend and not knowing he was not ready because he just broke up with his boyfriend around same time. I said to him let me know when you are ready and I will come back. Dec 31st 2010, I was in Universal Studios Los Angeles I received a message from Jack saying I am all alone tonight and I want to have sex with you. My heart crashed and reality faced me. First time throughout all this years I realize it was all about sex and never about Love in all the relationships I was in. Devastated and broken into pieces! Decided to take a break from dating and focus on God.

         Few days later, I was in the room alone mourning and lamenting looking at the message from Jack and seeing what have I done to myself. I felt, as if I am in a pit of darkness and no one can help me. I am doomed for life and God will not forgive me anymore. I said God you need to speak to me I do not like where I am now. That very moment I heard this voice "Son, I have sent my only Son for the sin you are doing would you not let it go for Me?" That moment truth were revealed, eyes were open, ears heard, my tears were pouring I was crying and was comforted at the same time. I quickly rush to check whether there is someone in the house spoke but there was no one in the house. I repented wholeheartedly and the Lord forgave.

John 10:10 was reminded to me the thief comes to kill, steal and destroy but I (Lord Jesus) have come that they may have life  and that they may have it more abundantly. And that is exactly what happened in my life. I was deceived into the trap. Everything made sense after that day. I started to see my struggle in new perspective. I saw a battle ahead to live life for Christ. The desire was not removed it is still there but now I willing to make the choice not to choose that path because it is path of destruction. I fell many times but I woke up and start running again chasing the path of righteousness of Christ. Because His grace is sufficient. After all I do not lose anything but I know I have Christ who is strengthening me and preparing me for the glory. Like how Apostle Paul said in

Philippians 3:7-8 NASB
But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ. More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ,

I count everything I desire is loss for the sake of Christ. They are nothing compare for what Christ has for me in Him.

               With the grace of God, He helped me grow out of it and I am waiting for the day of His return. Those who are out there I want to let you know there is hope in Lord Jesus Christ. It is not an easy path but worthwhile path and you will not walk alone. His love is unending and guide you through. Base on my experience after carefully studying my past I realize the devil planted a weed while I was at all boy school and I have watered and fed the weed by my daily choices and thoughts. Now it became a garden of weed where basically destroyed the plan Lord Jesus has for me. But by loving kindness and mercy of God, He redeemed me and now I am slowly weeding the weeds and planting the truth and promises of God in the empty places. God is not in control of your life unless your give Him the driver's seat and graciously He will help you come out of your mess and it might not happen overnight but surely will happen because quick weeding can destroy the garden.

          Trust and trust and trust will take you through. Praise be to God who never fails to love His creation and made a way through Lord Jesus to make us right with Him the Creator. 

          This is just short version of my life story, if you have any questions you can always message me. I believe God have spoken to you through my life. I am more than happy to help you in future, you are not alone in this journey God have destined you for greater things if you believe you will see His glory in your life like how I found in my life.

SSC 7/3/15